My Big Day At McD's

I had a pretty busy morning today. I woke up late for work and floored it. I made it to work 10 minutes late and ended up being in a rush to nothing.A long day of watching creepy looking crack addicts look at every pair of Timberland boots then try to match them up to dumb looking graphic t-shirts and old ladies bitching about chipped ceramic cups on clearance for $1.00 at a discount department store. As I listened to the radio and spaced out watching these bizarre characters in the store, my mind began to wander. What happens when mice die? Are there funerals? Do they go to a mouseoleum. Could I make a living off of the Craigslist "Free" section just picking up free stuff and going to a pawn shop? Then I picked up my mobile phone with Internet capability and started on one of my latest obsessions. The Wiki how random function. This site boggles my mind. Almost any obscure character from weird Japanese cartoons,movie characters,and beyond has a brief tutorial on how to "be" that character. Other tutorials on how to make chocolate milk, how to be yourself, how to do long division, how to open doors, how to breathe and the most bizarre and ridiculously simple things are there.I feel like its some sort of underground, almost perverse sect of the population that are into obsessively writing Wiki how's on anything. I'm debating on writing a few myself: How to drink 12 beers, lose at Metal Gear Online, and make a toaster strudel with out burning it. or How to watch numerous episodes of Heir 2 tha $treetz on Boston cable access while your girlfriend is sleeping and wakes up telling you to shut that crap off, but you manage to turn it down just low enough she cant hear it and goes back to sleep. My mind continued to wander as I finished reading another wiki how article.A radio ad snapped me out of my hypnotic state. A commercial for the new McDonald's McCafe line. Today was smack dab in the middle of a week long promotion for a FREE McCafe from 7am-7pm. I debated on trying one vs. going to Chipotle again. As I watched more weirdos roam about the store and a woman do the "Purse twist" with every hand bag we had in stock, I decided to go to McDonald's for my lunch break at 330 or so. At that moment, I committed to it. As I almost always do I plan my food order out in detail before I arrive at the place so I leave no doubt in my mind of what I am doing, and can get my order out quickly to expedite satiating my appetite. I pulled into the McDonald's parking lot to see a few familiar sights: A long line at the drive through, plenty of older people walking out of the door to the handicapped spaces, and numerous pimp ass cars. Usually early model, sensible ,fuel efficient, Japanese import sedans with lots of flashy shit on it to make it virtually disguised so you don't know its a early model,sensible,fuel efficient Japanese imported sedan that usually is not flashy.These cars had spinning rims, tinted windows with "Angelito" and "El Salvador" written in a gothic olde tyme font, intake vents above the wheel well with chrome detailing, a spoiler, one car had rust spots and had a matte red finish, the other car had a gnarly color scheme that seems to change color as you walk by it, almost how a hologram changes color as the light hits it differently.Locking my sky blue, dented, early model,sensible,fuel efficient Japanese imported sedan that is not flashy, I double checked my pockets for my bill fold and was ready to dine finely on the best McDonald's Framingham has to offer.

I enter the McDonald's and order my Large #2, seconds later I am on my way to the soda fountain with my tray and cup. No incident.

I take my tray to a corner booth and open my phone to wiki how and read as I eat. I start picking up conversations of the people sitting around me and listen in. One couple is just talking about needing a new pool cover and the options around the McDonald's to buy one. And then I start listening to the two men behind me. Business men. Talking about some sort of contract signing they had today. Guy A says to Guy B "I'm more of the technical type of guy, the one that can tell our clients how things get done, the time frame, you, you're more of what we need and you were able to go in there and talk specifics, hammer out the deal, negotiate." Guy B sits silent as Guy A goes on " Don't worry about Williamson, don't believe what you hear. Everything isn't what it seems with him, he doesn't know the partnership that we need and the importance of a united front when negotiating big deals" Guy B still remains silent. Guy A says" I spent 15,000 to spend 5 days with the former CEO of Hallmark, and you know what he said to me ... he told me "You're with co workers 8 hrs a day, you don't have to like them, but you have to be friends. You re working towards a common goal 8 hours of every day." Guy B is silent and Guy A starts talking a little more quiet and serious and tells Guy B "I'm going to tell you this, and I want you to say this to me right now: What ever relationship we have, we're partners in this, and we have to be friends and wont let anything come between us" Guy B remains silent as Guy A doesn't give Guy B a chance to respond and says " Let's sign this contract, close this deal and go big with the next account" I start thinking to myself how gay the whole conversation was, and also aren't business deals made on golf courses, private jets, cigar bars , steak houses, and big office board rooms and not McDonald's with a 4 year old running around with a Lego Batman Happy Meal toy and my fat ass taking shots of sweet and sour sauce shoveling fries into my mouth?

I notice a sign promoting the free McCafe promotion. I decide that I am going to try one before I leave. I go up to the C.A. Cowboy behind the counter and put my order in for the Ice Mocha McCafe. He punches the order in then goes to this large stainless steal machine and flips open a laminated, illustrated instruction manual. He starts pulling levers, spinning cranks and after a minute or two my McCafe is done. He hands it over and I exit. I take a sip. Holy shit the stuff is strong. It was a bitter Mocha tasting latte. It wasn't very sweet, and I wasn't too wild about it. But,I needed caffeine and hell it was free. I make my way to work and I finish it right after I punch back in. Right away I feel the urge to piss. I figure OK, just like coffee. I go to the bath room and am done. 20 minutes later I got to piss again. OK, I figure I had a Diet Coke and a friggin McCafe. Then I get a feeling in my stomach like I may have to visit the Situation room and make a visit to my friend Tay Zonday so he can spin a Hot Track. It does not feel good at all. I go to the bathroom and take another piss. That's 3 pisses in about an hour. I start worrying and have an unnatural feeling in my stomach. I don't know if its the McCafe or just McDonald's in general. Then I'm not sure if the caffeine hits me but my head starts feeling weird, my body follows suit. I walk around the store a few times seeing if it was just because I'm tired or spacing out or what. I make my way back to my office, trying to sneak past any co-workers. One stops me and asks me how lunch was, I explained I got the new McCafe for free, and was not a fan as now I was feeling like garbage. She asked if it was very Mocha tasting, I answered "It needed more sugar or something, its was bitter as hell" I get to my office and sit down. I take off my sweat shirt and am sweating. My foot is tapping like crazy, my head is feeling weird and my stomach feels awful.I lifted my hand up and my fingers were twitching. I hung my head in my hands and I thought "what the fuck did I just drink" I thought my eye balls were going to burst. I could feel my heart speeding, I thought I could see my veins pumping blood through my arms.I muscle through the rest of my day. I will not be doing McCafe again, I'll stick to Monster Energy Drinks, Coors Light, Diet Cola and Iced Coffee.Please...tell me about the fucking golf shoes.