Journey into Mystery

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I was up late reading about Snuggi, Shamwow and other As Seen on TV cult favorites. I ended up calling it a night around 5:00 am. I had to be at work at 12:45. I figured if I slept until 11 or so I would be able to function. That wasn't the case. My lovely neighbors seem to be obsessed with shovels. It was in the mid 50's today and of course they were out there breaking up ice patches and scooping them. It has not snowed lately, yet they are almost always out there. I did not get to sleep as much as I was planning on and stayed awake. I played through a few levels of Dig Dug 2 then got ready for work. I was over tired and already feeling sick and queasy. I can't drink coffee any more so I was thinking of alternatives. Monster Energy. 24 oz can. 240 mg of caffeine. I would need to drink an estimated 47 cans at 24oz each for it to kill me. Or so http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine has lead me to believe. I also had the bright idea to have try a 5 hr energy. I get to the gas station near my work and purchase a XXL can and a bottle of 5 hour energy which has an estimated 60-100 mg of caffeine per bottle. And I bought some Cheetos.

I arrived at work. Punched in, had a bagel then I cracked open the can and bottle and shit got crazy. I tried the 5 Hour Energy first. This was my first 5 Hour Energy experience. I opened the tiny bottle and peeled off the wrapper to find a nondescript white bottle with a red cap. I could easily see my self in a hotel rushing to get ready for an important business meeting at the corporate offices with the big wigs, putting my bottle of 5 Hour Energy down as I shave, and picking up a bottle of trial size shampoo and downing it. With out being able to distinguish the difference in taste between Hampton Inn Shampoo and 5 Hour Energy. This shit was horrible. It was bitter. It smelled like the garbage can does when there is a puddle of mystery garbage juice in it. It stunk. I downed it at 1:00 pm on the dot, then had to chase it with Monster.

I love Monster, I've drank more than enough in my life to know what to expect. I opened the cap to the can. (Yes, the can had a cap, it is like a bottle of Mutagen or a pipe bomb) and there was flowing steam or smoke that billowed out with a little coaxing (see above video). I took a swig and eventually finished the can in 5-10 minutes. Within a few minutes I did feel awake, alert, and motivated to be at work and do something. I got plenty of stuff done. I signed a time card, printed out twenty five (25) to thirty (30) new forms. I organized the forms and placed them in my binder. I consulted with Egan about fantasy baseball. I figured out a way to tap into a closed circuit surveillance system I use and have a tape on loop like the scene in Speed with Sandra Bullock. I didn't feel like stuff was out of control. I had a touch of a headache but I was working and focused.

Then I started spacing out at the beginning of hour number 2. I was running out of tasks to get done for the day. I had 20 eyes in my head, I was seeing all,knowing all, being all. I felt like I was flying into the danger zone. Or maybe just a zone I have not been in for a long time: Wide awake with energy.I ran riot in my office looking for two non sharpened pencils to use as drum sticks so I could rock along to 1991 Billboard top 100 hit "Everything Changes" - By Kathy Troccoli \m/<('o')>\m/ and successfully finding online communities, chat rooms, forums and blogs about Alton Brown and his current Ben Franklin like hair.

Around 4:00, the third hour of my experience things got interesting. My mind was racing. I felt like the Flash when hes running at the speed of light and everything around him freezes. I was time travelling. I started to revisit bad movie ideas, jokes, and ideas I have had for a long long time. I thought about the documentary I want to make: "Barefoot in Berlin" which would be about Hippies that travel time to stop World War II. I would first need to have a time machine to go to San Francisco in the early 1960's and convince the hippies to go back in time to 1930s Germany as Hitler was building Nazi power. The hippies would then diffuse the situation by placing flowers in guns, making Peace signs on Mercedes Benz logos and getting Hitler to drop acid and have a one nut wonder love in. My mind started to wonder trying to figure out a set up to why I think the phrase "Hope Hogan" was funny. Perhaps a Christian Wrestler? or maybe our next President with a new slogan of "Hope" instead of "Change". Hope Hogan in 2012. And other racing, non-sense thoughts : Monster has Taurine. I know if take away the TA and it spells Urine which is essentially the chemical compound in Monster or some shit. And Shroud of Turin rhymes with Urine, unlike Taurine which is spelled similar to Urine but doesn't rhyme. Either way The Shroud of Turin has Jesus' face imprint, and like Jesus, the concoction I tried today could raise the dead. I feel my body temperature is a bit higher and my stomach feels nervous.

My fourth hour started around 5:oo pm as I ate my sandwich, a caffeine free diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of Cheetos. At that time, I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I figured if I am ever: bored, tired, need to pretend to be on coke/meth or need become really aware and quick enough to be good at video games in an emergency situation, I should keep these drinks on tap 24-7. Then I figured I wouldn't last long and could suffer the same consequences of using the real drugs. I took a quick walk around the parking lot to get some fresh air and tried to focus. My super powers were fading. I was growing tired and I yawned. I got back to my office and fucked around with my radio trying to regain reception to no avail.

I started coming down around 6:00 pm. I had another caffeine free diet Dr. Pepper. I didn't want to push my limits. I didn't want to pull Brian Pillman and have my heart explode at the hotel before my match against Dude Love at In Your House : Badd Blood. I started trying to relax and calm down by thinking about going home and playing video games, eating, and finally sleeping. Then I started worrying about if I was going to be playing Playstation. Would I remember to use the Mp-40 dual mag, bouncing betty, juggernaut, martyrdom, ordinance custom class? Or would my spaced out ass forget and have to use a Mosin Nagant with double special grenades, double tap and toss back perks and make my K/D ratio dip below 1.00? I also feared about waking up and having shit all over my bed like Trainspotting, or a baby crawling on the ceiling twisting its head backwards.

I got home not too long ago. I made my two tamales and ate them. I'm trying to keep my shit together with out hallucinating and thinking there are gnarly radioactive zombie dogs, like the ones the Incredible Hulk fights in the 2003 movie with Eric Bana , waiting to eat my face off while I sleep defenselessly in my bed with no strength to even yell for help. As it stands now, my stomach aches, my head hurts, my piss is glowing in the dark and I feel like a bus ran over me. My only option is to have this rocket fuel cocktail tomorrow and try to stay awake at work.