Volcano Taco = Lava Shits?

Some time last week I was at work and ready to eat. I weighed my usual options, when the ad campaign for the Volcano Taco from Taco Bell ran through my mind. I started asking my self deep philosophical questions like "Do Volcano Tacos cause Lava shits?". I set out to find out for myself that afternoon. I gathered my belongings , said my goodbyes to co-workers, and walked out the door hoping to answer a burning question.

I got to my sky blue, dented, early model,sensible,fuel efficient,not so flashy, Japanese imported sedan, opened the door and turned on some local talk radio. I motored my way to the closest KFC/Taco Bell combo near my place of employment. I fought my way through mid-rush hour traffic, with the sun flaring in my face as I drove westward I approached the KFC/Taco Bell parking lot. The overwhelming fumes of freshly layed asphalt and diesel commanded my attention as I noticed the street was blocked off right in front of the KFC/Taco Bell with construction vehicles, dump trucks, front loaders, steam rollers, police details, and numerous laborers in bright orange and electric yellow green shirts. Pickup trucks with trailers of tools, shovels, machines, rakes and other paving implements filled the Taco Bell parking lot.

I started to get nervous that the Taco Bell would be packed, or out of Volcano Tacos and I would have a failing mission to deal with. I found a parking spot for my sky blue, dented, early model,sensible,fuel efficient,not so flashy, Japanese imported sedan. I entered and was only 2nd or 3rd in line behind some gruff looking biker guy and two incredibly obnoxious 14 or 15 year old mop topped stoner kids wearing women's jeans,striped sweatshirts and big sneakers. Both little hipster pricks in Hurley brand skater crap were opting for the Volcano tacos. I figured that if those two little shits can handle Volcano tacos between skating sessions and constructing pipes out of apples and empty coke cans weren't shitting their brains out, I could handle the Volcano taco as well. I waited patiently on deck as the shitheads were issued their receipts and change. I was up to bat now with my order ready to go. Two Volcano tacos and 1 large soda.

I received my soda, was issued a # and receipt. I took the few moments I had before my food was ready to get my fill at the soda fountain. I walked over, cup in hand to a soda machine that smelled like feet. I recognized this smell as soda that has been spilled, not cleaned and thus fermented from my days from working at CVS. I held my breath and continued to fill my cup as my number was called.

I went to the counter and picked up my two freshly made Volcano tacos and headed out the door to my car to eat. I sat in the parking lot watching the busy bustling of a paving crew wrap up the last job of the day.I opened the bag and retrieved my first potentially butt busting taco. I examined it, and found that there is a minimal amount of meat and other toppings. Just a red taco shell, a spoon full of ground beef, the fiery cheese sauce shredded cheese and lettuce. I started eating the 1st one and was done in about 30 seconds. It was not as the ads suggest, my ears did not release smoke nor did I spit flames or turn red with heat. The fiery cheese sauce was just like the Tostito's queso dip with some taco seasoning, an epic let down. I opened the second one and inspected it closely as well. I figured the first puny taco was just a fluke, but my fears were confirmed, a 79 cent taco has just enough meat, and toppings to consider it a taco. I consumed it just as quickly as the first. I took a few sips of soda and hit the road back to work to wait for digestion to finish and I could make a conclusion on the Volcano taco.

As I was driving , I had to be stopped at a red light. I was waiting as a convertible pulled up, top down. The driver was a male in the late 50's to early 60's who was balding. He was cranking NPR. Loud music and convertibles always conjure images of rebels, renegades, rock and rollers. The thoughts of " Runnin' with the devil" by Van Halen, "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf, or "Bad to the Bone"By George Thorogood and the Destroyers. Not NPR promoting a commercial for "...Says you" or a public service announcement about national endowment for the arts fund raiser gala ball. The light turned green, the NPR faded and I turned into the parking lot and went back to work. A few hours later I went to the bathroom and here's a representative idea of what happened.

a slice of the Allston life

Chemical Warfare Monday

Recently I had a Monday, filled with clogs, cat turds, chemicals and carcinogens. I woke up on my day off and headed to the kitchen. I was looking for some sort of food to get my day going. They do say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And thus my first meal being at 2pm after a solid night of drinking light beer and eating crap the previous night I was in dire need of food. I had loaded up the previous day at Trader Joes, fairly cheaply. I opened my freezer to some banana waffles and popped them in the toaster oven. I go to get a plate out of the sink and see that the sink is not draining. So I move some plates around see if the drain is blocked. Nothing happened. I grabbed a paper plate and fretted over the sink being clogged beyond repair. As I om nom nom nommed down my banana waffles I decided I was going to get the plunger and put that to work on the drain. This may have been a better idea if I didn't have a double sink on the same drain line. All it did was kick up brown water, rice and food debris from one sink to the other. I kept at it for a few then went to Shaw's and got Draino. I poured in a half a gallon of this shit and waited 15 minutes. I then plunged again getting the bleachy smelling clog cure all over my hands. The water now brown with white foam suds did not drain. I wait another 20 or so minutes and plunged again. As I plunged the water in one sink would drain but the rise in the other. I figure I must be doing something right. or wrong. I kept at it as the level of suds rose, more debris was sprouting up, almost like a geyser of bread crumbs, pizza crust chucks, pasta pieces and vegetables. As the foul stench of a drain pipe mixed with the burning sting of Draino, I forged on. An hour after the initial pouring of the solvent the water level dropped. Almost like an hour glass in fast forward. A small victory! I raised my arms in joy as I let out a big "HA HAAAA!" in the third floor apartment of my small Lower Allston apartment. I washed my hands in numerous soaps for a significant amount of time after, and I could not get rid of the chemical smell from my hands. I ultimately started to freak out about rubbing my eyes, preparing food, or using the bathroom in fear of chemical burns on tender parts. Fast Forward 4 hours. I'm sitting in the living room, watching tv when I hear a weird noise in the kitchen. My roommate's cat was running around the kitchen. I get up to look and see him doing this. Perplexed I think its just the cat being silly. I sit down in the living room, and hear the raucous again and get up and look. I see a huge connect the dot smile face. Only the dots are chunks of cat turd, and the dots were connected by a brown cat turd crayon. I immediately get up, ask the cat why he crapped everywhere. He ran off, I assessed the situation got the Clorox spray and sprayed the whole area. I tore off three (3) to fourteen (14) paper towel sections and scooped up the tootsie rolls, and gave the streak a wipe. I discarded everything in the trash and sprayed everything with Clorox again. I wiped it up again. I wreaked of bleach at this point. I then took a Swiffer wet jet and gave it another once over. I ended up taking a shower, and went to bed still smelling like potent cleaning solvents for the next 3 days.

A Side Road Rage?

My part of town is a very dense, tightly packed community parking spots are rare. There is not resident permit parking, but its unnecessary because the only reason to be in this neighborhood is to live here. I pull onto my street and immediately start eying spots on my way to my house. Giving my self mental notes if I have to circle to block, which spot would be closest/ideal for a quick getaway to work in the morning. I pull up to my house hoping there is a spot right in front of it. There is just enough room in front of my house for three (3) cars. My car would be occupying the third spot. As I pull in head first, I park for a second, then back out and turn my car around so I am backed in to just pull away in the morning. As I am doing my three (3) point turn I notice my Asian neighbor across the street standing on her steps staring at me. I pay no mind seeing how I do not want to talk to her, I just want to go inside and watch rerun of Cops on Court TV and eat my frozen buffalo wings. I cut my engine, tightly squeezed into the third spot and hear a shrieking voice before my door is fully open yelling at me in somewhat broken English. "How long you stay?" "I live here. I just worked all day. I'm going inside my house right here." She replied aggressively "You can't park there." "I've been parking here for the last year. I'm parked here, I'm going inside." "I got ticket parking there before, You can't park there...I can't park there, no one can park there." I reemphasize all I have said previously "I'm going inside, I worked all day, I've been parking here for a year now." "You going to get ticket. You can't park there. Park somewhere else, like me, lots of spaces, I can't park there, you can't park there either." Getting fed up, and anticipating this cunt calling the cops that I am parking too close to another car, or my car is more sky blue than the legal limit, pretty much any reason to give me a hard time I end the conversation and say "If I get a ticket...which I doubt, I will get a ticket and take care of it. I'm parking here,I have been parking here for a year, I had a long day at work. Goodnight." and run upstairs to tune into my police scanner. I put my frozen buffalo chicken wings in the oven. Have a Diet Pepsi and wait. Once my wings are heated up I turn out my lights, sit by my window with the a blanket over my head om nom nom nomming on my wings and listening to my police scanner waiting for a complaint to come across the air so I can run out and move my car and make her look like a fucking moron before the police show up to investigate. That call never came across, and I woke up to my victoriously ticket free sky blue, dented, early model,sensible,fuel efficient,not so flashy, Japanese imported sedan. I grinned as I opened the door looking at that bitches drive way smiling as I sped away to work.